


Finagle's law of dynamic negatives

by launcherofzeroship



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: AU, Another indulgent story kudos to me, Based on Joker Trap, Brief mention of food too bad Ranmaru doesn't get any, Jealousy, M/M, Ranmaru suffers from PTSD, Reiji being cute, Spy Ranmaru, Things get incredibly awkward
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-17
Updated: 2014-07-17
Packaged: 2018-02-09 05:42:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1971078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/launcherofzeroship/pseuds/launcherofzeroship
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“So, you’re not cheating on me?”</p>
<p>“Oh, fuck no.”</p>
<p>(in which Ranmaru might or might not be a spy, Reiji notices)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Finagle's law of dynamic negatives

“So, you’re not cheating on me?”

“Oh, fuck no.”

There was a really good explanation for this situation, and it started at about half an hour ago. Ranmaru was just relaxing on the sofa, nursing a can of lukewarm beer, and flicking through the channel for something decent when shit – figuratively, of course – hit the fan. It was innocent enough at first, Reiji beckoning him to the kitchen the next room over. He was half expecting an outstretched chopsticks/fork/spoon/what-have-you holding Reiji’s new recipe of the day that he would test and commented upon.

“’s all good,” was his standard and almost automatic response. Generally speaking, anything and everything cooked by Reiji was good. As long as Natsuki was kept away from the immediate premises, and Reiji, for the love of everything that was delicious, didn’t try to dabble in ~~black magic~~  other more exotic ingredients. The noodle incident would always remain in the ‘traumatic experience’ folder in his brain, and unfortunately, tongue. It was a recipe straight from Satan’s cook book. Not the one that it served at family dinner, but the thing reserved for gourmet sinners at the deepest pit of hell – probably Hannibal.

The only blemish in Reiji’s three Michelin stars, so to speak. Remembering it made his stomach lurched, and Ranmaru was on his way over when he spotted Reiji sitting down (no cooking utensils nor prospective dinner in sight), sporting a serious look.

“We need to talk.”

* * *

 

If his admittedly short life had taught him anything useful, it was to truly fear those four dreaded words. Nothing good – absolutely nothing – would come out of it. It was the four words that would break the bonds between perfect couples, long-time friends, and blood relatives. Almost like Monopoly, really. Perhaps he was exaggerating a little bit, but whatever came next wouldn’t be pleasant.

Ranmaru had considered himself as a mature adult, and adults – especially the grown ass ones – didn’t cower in fear when summoned to the kitchen by their romantic partners. Logically speaking, though, his figurative fear was rather justified. After all, kitchen was the place where people stored fire, sharp objects, dead animals, and other potentially hazardous chemical agents all in one place. So really, the fear was nothing strange.

“Talk about wha–“

Before Ranmaru could finish his sentence, he was unceremoniously interrupted by Reiji who gave him an accusing look – worthy of the noon time soap opera. “You’re cheating on me, aren’t you?”

“…the fuck?”

_Does he just get rick rolled?_ He was almost expecting a horde of camera men breaking through their tiny apartment yelling “surprise!” any minute by now – which he admitted, was quite a farfetched scenario.  On par with Natsuki ever cooking anything remotely decent….that little fucker with his sunny smile, pink apron, and a delicious looking curry that gave his stomach false hopes.

(He just have a strong feeling about the subject, okay.)

It was still way too early for his birthday, and April fool had come and gone without much fanfare a couple of months ago. So, there were pretty good chances that Reiji wasn’t trying to be funny.

“Answer me, Ranran. Are you cheating on me?” Reiji asked him once again.

_Oh shit._

_He is fucking serious._

Normally, the word ‘serious’ and ‘Reiji’ didn’t belong in the same sentence, but the situation was already off on a strange start, it might as well go for the broke.

 

* * *

 

He had been dating Reiji since about three and half a year ago when a rainy day, alcohol, and poor life choices had gotten them in bed together in a love hotel somewhere in Shinjuku.

_As if that was what happened._ Drunk out of his ass or not, Ranmaru was not going to stoop so low as to do a one night stand with a total stranger. His life was not a soap opera, and most certainly, a risqué BL manga. They first met each other when on a rainy day – yes, that part was true – his cousin, Ai had caught a nasty cold, and Reiji just happened to be the nearest pediatrician available.

Being the only son and a bachelor for most of his life, Ranmaru had less than stellar record taking care of small children. Or hell, people in general. Trying desperately to avoid the sad fate of being killed by his aunt via frying pan bashings, Ranmaru nursed him as best as he could – which given to his shitty skills, didn’t help much. Soup, sports drink, apples, generic medicine, and a cooling pad to top it all off – just the basic stuffs, after a quick search on Google.

Unsurprisingly, Ai’s condition worsened, and seeing no other options, they went off to see a doctor. It was a small family clinic on the corner of the street. He had never really paid any attention to the place before, but on that particular night, at 7.30 P.M in the evening with a sick cousin on tow, the clinic seemed to be a God send. Complete with light beams, harps, and singing cherubs. “We’ve heard your prayers, Kurosaki Ranmaru. Here’s a clinic for your sick cousin, may it prolongs your life.” At least, it felt like that to him. It also helped that the pediatrician was quite easy on the eyes.

Scratch that, the guy was totally within his strike zone.

“Good evening! How may I help you?” the doctor said, his smile not dimming in the slightest despite the late hour.

_You get me at hello._

_This place is truly a God send_ , he thought.

They hit it off almost immediately.

 

* * *

 

Back to the problem at hand, if his hearings had not failed him just yet…Reiji was accusing him of cheating. _And how in nine hells has he came into that insane conclusion?_ Ranmaru was always careful with his relations. He didn’t send suspicious mails, met people in less than innocent circumstances, generated strange rumors, and got caught in compromising situations. Bottom line was, he was a damn faithful lover, if he could say so for himself. Ranmaru didn’t do cheating or adultery, especially when he was perfectly content with the relationship that he had with Reiji now.

“Why do you think like that?”

Someone had to become the voice of reason amidst all of this fiasco, and it might as well be him. Ranmaru’s surprisingly calm reply seemed to get Reiji off balance, and he tightened his grip on his shirt, casting a down way look. It was the patented Reiji’s Kicked Puppy Look TM, guaranteed to sway anything with feelings. Including unfortunately, him.  People might think that by living together, Ranmaru would develop some kind of immunity, but he had always been weak to everything about Reiji. Sighing, he steeled himself for the long battle ahead.

 

* * *

 

“I found a movie stub for a movie that you said you didn’t watch,” Reiji started.

“You went through my pockets?” Ranmaru asked incredulously. He never pegged Reiji as _that_ type of person. The ones who checked their lovers’ mails and other personal effects while sharpening a knife, okay that was a bit overboard. It really was true, whatever could go wrong, would go wrong. Spectacularly. Forget soap operas and BL mangas, this was a situation worthy of Comedy Central.

“It fell down when I went to wash your clothes,” Raiji said in his defense. “Besides, there’s also the secret meeting and phone calls that you sometimes take after you have make sure that I wasn’t looking.”

Reiji’s expression fell, and for the first time, he looked truly dejected. Not the playful ‘pay attention to me’ nor ‘Ranran, please~’ that he every so often used. It was, without a further doubt, the genuine article.

He knew that living together wasn’t without its own risks, but it didn’t matter. He was a responsible adult who was capable of separating work from private matters. Living together shouldn’t be too much of a hassle. At least, that was what he thought at that time. _Oh, how wrong he was._

Reiji, amazing cooking skills and A+ ass aside, hogged the blankets, took stupidly long showers, and was so damned sharp at the most unexpected – and unwelcome – moments. He wondered why Reiji could always see through him so easily. Ranmaru had considered himself as an excellent secret-keeper, it was kind of a job thing, so he couldn’t possibly be bad. Maybe, behind those fluffy brown curls, Reiji had hidden a built in human lie detector… _the crafty bastard._

“I saw you meeting a woman and making midnight calls a couple of times, and decided to keep it to myself. But it happened way too many times to be a coincidence, so – “

He probably should rethink his life choices. Not Reiji, he was an awesome choice. But more along the lines of his career options – because his confidence was just now taking quite a huge blow.

“Hey Ranmaru, answer me…”

_Ranmaru, not Ranran._

One wrong move, and it might just well be the straw that broke the camel’s back. If he was teetering on the brink of a proverbial land mine before, now he was standing on all 100 of them.

_All hands, prepare for the impact!_

_Mother, the light is so bright –_

_Oh, hell no._

He would stand his ground and soldiered on until the – hopefully not – bitter end. The first order of things, according to the Nintendo puzzle games, was to untangle this whole mess one step at a time. Starting from its weakest link.

Breathe in, breathe out, he could pull this off. He had to, for the future security of his stomach and other wonderful things that dating Reiji entailed.

“Let me get this straight, firstly, she’s actually a he.”

“But –“

Reiji was starting to get impatient, he could see, but it was on their best interests to sort through things calmly. Ranmaru put up his hands in what he hoped to be a calming and peaceful gesture – certainly not defensive – and continued on with his explanation.

“She – oh, fuck it. He’s a senpai in uni who has some strange hobbies. Yes, cross dressing.” He motioned his hand to nowhere in particular, feeling the arrival of a belated migraine. “He fought with his boyfriend and called me up to listen to his sob story. I then dropped his drunk ass off on taxi back home. It’s a onetime thing.”

_Very smooth, Ranmaru. You have the delicacy of a bull inside a china shop._ ‘Onetime thing,’ as if he wasn’t already being suspected enough. He promised to buy Wiley’s idiot guide to lying if he could somehow manage to pass through the ordeal unscathed. Or even took courses from Camus.

(He might be a delusional two faced lying bastard, but damn, he is good.)

“He looked exactly like a girl…”

“Behold the true power of makeup, and let’s just say that he…uh, has a lot of practice.” That person could without no doubt, win a bikini competition without anything out of place. Not that he ever saw (or fantasized) about it; he had better things to do and a cute lover to gush up about. “So that explained my ‘mysterious meeting,’” he made a quotation marks with his fingers.

“He’s my senpai, taken, and certainly not my type.”

“And the movie stub?”

As expected of Reiji, he didn’t pull his punches. Out of the boiling pot, and jumping straight into the frying pan. While Ranmaru didn’t do anything less than savory and maintained a perfect fidelity to Reiji, the movie stub was actually something that he had wanted to keep silent about. He still had a certain image to maintain. A cool, tough, and dependable boyfriend…definitely not one who cried like a baby over dead animated dogs.

“…it’s a rescreening of ‘A Dog of Flanders,’ I watched it myself.” He spat the words quickly, desperate to get the discussion done and over with,

“Why didn’t you ask me to tag along? Oh –“ Reiji seemed to get the message which was in no way subtle, judging from Ranmaru’s current likeness to a ripe tomato. “You’re embarrassed! How cute, Ranran~”

_The things I do for love._ At least Reiji seemed to be in a better mood, and Ranmaru wasn’t in an immediate danger of being dumped anymore.

Reiji was back to his usual bubbly self when he asked, “So! What’s the explanation for the phone calls?”

_Oh my sweet summer child, how naïve you are. You think it was over just yet?_ “Uh, I –“

_Ai asked me to sing him a lullaby._

_Senpai called to bitch and moan about his boyfriend some more._

_Mom called to say hi._

None of the options sounded awfully plausible. Maybe this was a sign from the heavens above for him to fess up, or maybe the universe was just in need for a quick entertainment and decided to fuck Ranmaru so bad for its new reality show. If so, he hoped that it would all end if he just waved his hand to the camera.

“It’s for work.”

“Work? Like talking to your boss and stuff?”

“Yeah, something like that.”

His former remark still standing, Ranmaru was a horrible liar. Even a kid with fingers stuck inside a cookie jar would have better chances of being believed. Faced with the human lie detector Reiji, he was well truly fucked.

“You know Ranran, you look kind of suspicious,” Reiji said, head tilted, and fingers busy playing with his own hair. It was one of his quirks, the one that Ranmaru actually liked if he wasn’t currently being interrogated in the kitchen with no dinner in sight. Even the old school police drama still had the decency to serve up katsudon – blinding lights and good cop/bad cop routine aside.

“Is that something you don’t want to tell me about?” his tone grew concerned. Reiji was a wonder. Jumping from one emotion to the next with abandon, just like a jet coaster. It was a breath of fresh air from the company of his dysfunctional work colleagues that consisted of a stoic guy with split personality problem, the aforementioned two faced lying bastard, and his flirtatious protégé. Reiji’s emotion was genuine.

“Sorry, but yeah…” He truly was sorry, but work was work, and if it demanded some degree of secrecy from him, then so be it.

“It’s okay, I understand.”

Kind, gentle, and understanding Reiji…he really was grateful to be in a relationship with him. Forget the giant chocolate factory, his mumbo jumbo golden ticket had led him into something even better – Reiji.

Just when Ranmaru thought things were finally picking up, Reiji had dropped another bombshell.

(He was now quite certain that Reiji will always choose the best moments to drop them…him and his impeccable timing.)

 

* * *

 

“You know, I almost thought that you’re actually a spy.”

God worked in mysterious ways, and was a surprisingly good guy because this was the point where Ranmaru would spit his miso soup all over the dining table, should dinner be available. Choking on his own spit was a welcome alternative, compared to the other option. “H-How do you – “

“Because you’re acting all secretive…” _Beat_. “Wait, what!?”

A look of dawning comprehension graced Reiji’s face. Every piece was finally falling into place, and he felt a bit like Conan. Or Kindaichi. This was the moment where he would call all of the murder suspects into one room, raise his pointer finger, and yell at the top of his lungs, “there is only one answer!”  Wait, that was the catchphrase of a detective from a different story altogether.

“Are you a spy, Ranran?”

“…no comment.” Ranmaru was still coughing a little bit which for all Reiji was concerned about, was a neon sign short of ‘yes’ from Ranmaru _. He really is bad at keeping secrets._

“Since you’re a spy, do you have any battle scars?”

“I haven’t said anything yet! You have checked, besides, not every spy engages in combat.”

“Huh~”

_Hook, line, and sinker._ It was actually quite worrying of how easy for Ranmaru to take a bait every time he was taunted. It was kind of cute, and he hoped that he would be the only person privy to this side of him. It couldn’t possibly be good for work, and Reiji wasn’t really good at sharing the things that he liked in the first place.  Speaking of spies, wasn’t there always one of _that_ in every movie?

“Any femme fatales?”

“God, no.” Ranmaru made a look that was a cross between ‘why would you think like that’ and ‘I just sucked a lemon’ which according to Reiji’s humble opinion, was pretty damn hilarious. Tonight must be a summer break special because Ranmaru’s reactions were such a pure gold, his previous jealousy became irrelevant.

“Cool gadgets? Matronly spymaster? Martini shaken, not stirred?” _At least, one of those must be true._

“You watched too many James Bond movies,” Ranmaru answered, suffering from the barrage of Reiji’s questions. The faint migraine that he felt before had reared its ugly head once again. Ranmaru would kill – quite literally – for a packet of Aspirin. But apparently, Reiji was not done. _Such cruelty, but even so, the world is beautiful._

“Aliases?” Reiji asked, still not losing his enthusiasm.

“It’s confidential. No, I’m not a double ohs agent.” _What is with Reiji and James Bond?_ Ranmaru never knew that he liked the franchise so damned much.

“Pity, I was thinking that Spiky Club would make a good alias.”

“…now you’re talking about 70s super sentais.” Being a double ohs actually sounded pretty awesome compared to his suggested alias that brought upon imaginaries of a cheesy idol group song. At the very least, he would have all of the martinis, cool gadgets, nice suits, and hot chicks that the undercover world had to offer. “No, my boss’ name isn’t Joker.”

“How about your flashy appearance?”

“Oh, you know you like it. That’s why God created wigs, color sprays, makeup, and contact lenses…idiot.” The plea for Aspirin still stood, but it would be good if a mouth gag was also included with the deal. Or a loaded revolver to put him out of the misery, once and for all.

“So, you’re really a spy,” Reiji said with a tone of finality.

“…yes.” There was no use denying it. All the fight had left him, and he had kind of blown his chances by answering Reiji’s questions in the first place.

“Okay, that’s weird.”

‘ _You were the one who started this shit storm in the first place!_ ’ he wanted to yell, but he would take the sweet release in any form it deigned to grace itself with.

“Are you done playing 101 questions? ‘m hungry.” _And exhausted. And in a desperate need for Aspirin. And potentially suffering from a PTSD._

“Sure, I’ll fix something up,” Reiji smiled, and ambled away to the direction of the stove.

_I wash my hands out of this weirdness._ Slumping on the table, Ranmaru threw Reiji a long suffering gaze, and sighed. “We’re so not talking about this again.”

From the hum of the juicer, he could hear a faint “…yes,” coming from Reiji’s direction.

 

 

 

Dinner was delicious, everything went back to normal, and the world continued to spin madly on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
